Beer & Bar Jokes (2)

An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub and each order a glass of beer. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the beer.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his beer away and demands another pint.

The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Two gents were getting philosophical during happy hour at their local bar. One asks the other what he would do if he was told he had only six months to live.

"I'd move in with my mother-in-law," said the friend.

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Because it would be the longest six months of my life."

A man walks into a bar, looks around, then heads straight to a booth in the corner where there sits the only other customer in the bar. "May I buy you a bottle of beer?" he asks.

"Of course! Sit down" the man answers. They order and begin drinking.

The first man says "I couldn't help noticin' your accent? Where are ye from?"

"Ireland," the other customer replies.

"Well, I'll be! I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to that!" And they both drink.

Then the man asks, "Where in Ireland, if I might ask?"

"Dublin," the other man responds.

"Begorrah!" the first man exclaims. "I'm from Dublin myself! Let's drink to that!" And they both drink.

"Now you've got me curiosity up," the first man says. "Where did you go to high school?"

"St. Mary's," the second man said. "I graduated in '62."

"That's incredible! I graduated from St. Mary's in '62 as well! Let's drink to that!" And they both drink.

Another customer walks into the bar, heads to the counter and asks the bartender, "What's up, Bob?"

"Not much," the bartender replies. "Except that the O'Riley twins are drunk again."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Mick is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Humor and Your Relationship

What is it about Humor that can really get things going? Have you ever been in a workplace meeting where everyone is "brainstorming" some new idea? Everything is going stagnant and nothing is getting done. Everyone is inputting his or her ideas but nothing seems to gel. All of a sudden, someone cracks a joke, the tension is gone and the meeting rolls along.

While attending a meeting in a computer manufacturing business, one of the participants looked over at the table and saw these beautiful cookies laid out for everyone. She commented, "Since I'm new, I have to ask, do we have these cookies at every meeting? I'm concerned I'm going to gain weight while working here". Another participant stated, "Of course and it is a problem because when B started here, he was only 120 pounds". At this, everyone just roared since B was about 220 pounds.

Humor helps people to relate to each other. As kids, we are always cutting each other down in jest. We can't be serious all the time because our relationship won't grow. At a party, who is the star? Isn't the one that shines the one that is telling stories that are comical or telling jokes? Have you said, "He's so funny, I love to be around him". Do you remember a joke that someone said? In a conversation, your memory may all of a sudden stumble across a joke that someone said even years ago. We may be in the middle of a serious conversation and all of a sudden, we remember something funny that someone said. We have to contain ourselves because of the seriousness of the conversation but we just want to bust out laughing. If we do lose control, the other participant of the conversation is having a hard time seeing what you are laughing about due to the seriousness of the conversation. Do you let them in on the joke?

People that are serious all the time can become lethargic and depressed. Have you ever been around someone that just broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend? They're down and all you want to do is get them back up. So, you start telling them jokes. You cut them down and tell them here's my opportunity to kick you while you're down. You ask them since Susan dumped you can I date her now? You’re willing to say anything to get them back up. (Besides, he knows you didn't even like Susan!)

Being constantly depressed can change your body's biochemistry. Often, people that are chronically depressed are treated with pharmaceutical drugs. Many of these individuals may have a family history of depression. Humor can change the person's biochemistry and if significant enough, could it possibly alter the level of need to be dependent upon pharmaceutical drug?

Although it is not the subject matter of this article, there is a lot of scientific study in this area. People that are suffering from depression do well when their counselors utilize humor as a medium in their relationship. There is a lot of opportunity to benefit from various therapies such as music therapy and art therapy.

People that are humorous are fun to be around. They tend to be very energetic and have a lot of friends. Friendship makes the world go round.

Have you read your joke of the day?

Michael Russell Your Independent guide to Humor

Humor: An Introduction

Humor. What is it? Humor is different things to different people. One person may find it awfully funny to see somebody trip over a couch and do a pratfall onto the floor. Another person may find it awful or just not funny. One joke may have a crowd of people laughing like crazy in Portland, Oregon, while in Paris, France, the same joke will have no effect at all.

A lot of what we find humorous has to do with where we live, the time we live in and how we were brought up. Even the language we speak has a lot to do with what we find funny. That's why, as a comic, you have to know your audience. You have to take a look at the city you're performing in. If you're doing a stand up routine in a city like New York, you're probably going to want to do a lot of jokes about how violent and crazy the city is. New York is full of things to make fun of. However, if you're in a city like Howell, NJ, you'll probably want to stay away from a routine that pokes fun at the city.

There are many different kinds of humor. There is of course your stand up comedy. This is where a comic gets up on stage and tells a number of stories and jokes to entertain a crowd. This is probably one of the most demanding forms of humor that there is. There is no chance for a retake or re-shoot. You're live, on stage and all alone. This has to be the scariest type of performing there is.

Then there is what they call slapstick humor. This is where a comic or more commonly a group of comics will engage in a routine that involves physical activity that results in a funny conclusion, such as a pie in the face or hitting somebody over the head with a two by four. Slapstick humor is usually pretty good for getting a laugh out of someone. As a race, we just love to see people get hit. The reasons why are probably best left to psychiatrists to figure out.

Another type of humor, which isn't as common today as it was years ago, is pantomime humor. This is where an actor or group of actors will perform some kind of skit that involved absolutely no speaking whatsoever. Their actions would tell the story and in turn would make people laugh. This is not easy to pull off. Facial expressions are very important when performing pantomime humor.

More recently, we have the situation comedy. This has been around pretty much since the dawn of the television era. A situation comedy is just that. It's a show that presents some kind of situation within the time frame of a half hour that will ultimately resolve itself within that half hour. During this time, the dialogue will be presented in such a way as to make jokes out of many of the responses and comments. This is a very difficult form of humor to pull off as it requires both the telling of a story and being funny at the same time.

Of course, there is always humor that takes the printed form as well, such as jokes, comics and humorous stories. The amount of humor that has gone to print is beyond measure. Just take a look at your daily newspaper's comics section.

In the following articles in this series, we will take a more in depth look at some of the forms of humor and examine them. Hopefully, you may even get a chuckle out of it.

by Michael Russel

Importance of Humor in Your Speech

by Ibrahim Badhusa

Some keynote speaker says that they do not use humor in their speech because it does not go with their comfort. In fact any body can use humor and it is a very valuable tool in speaking. Apt humorous speech relaxes your audience and creates more comfortable feel with you as a humorous speaker. Humor could also bring attention to the point you are making; and it as well help the audience better remember your point. It actually breaks down barriers so that the audience is more open to your tips and ideas.

The best and most comfortable place to find humor is only out your own personal experience. Just think back on any embarrassing moment that you may have thought not funny at that time. Now that you are sharing the experience, you understand how funny it is. There is an old saying “Humor is simply tragedy separated by time and space.” Or just think of any incident that was funny to be shared. Here, you are not trying to be comedian; you just want to make it easy for people to pay attention and to assist them remember your actual point.

Here are some ideas on using humor to make your next speech have more impact.

Verify that the humor is funny.

If you don't normally laugh or smile at the cartoon, funny story, pun, joke, story, or other forms of humor, then you surely cannot expect an audience to do so. A key to using humor is only using humor, which makes you laugh or smile.

Use related Humor.

Do not use humor that is merely there to make the viewers laugh. The humor needs to tie in with some facet of your speech. For example, I tell about my experience of getting braces at age 50 and how hard it was for me to get used to the wires and rubber bands in my mouth. After I tell the story I make the point that you might have not had the braces difficulty I had, but we all have facing in speaking well, and what we desire to look at today are ways of making it simple for us to be more effectual in speaking. This would in turn make no sense, so be apt and use related humor to your topic.

Start with impressive short.

A starting point may be to abridge a cartoon and give the title as your humor. A stimulating yet intelligent line about a point you are making is one more way of getting started. For example, when I talk about inspiration and getting out of your ease zone, a line I found that worked well was, "Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license." In your reading, look for lines, which make you smile; think how they may be used in your next coming speech. Be careful about initiation into a long humorous story--audiences are fast to forgive a single line, which might not be funny, but they do not have much patience with a huge story that isn't worth the time. So you need to start out with smart and inspiring bits of humor.

Humor and Healthy Marriage

Marriage is not filled with perfect days, although there are quite a few that come along. There are actually plenty of bad days, problems, sadness, and other issues that occur during a marriage that the couple must overcome and handle in order to continue the marriage. Fortunately, there are several things that can help you get through the tough days. These include humor, understanding, and above all the love you share for one another.

Humor is so important because laughing makes you happy! It makes you feel closer to one another and when you laugh special chemicals are released in your brain that makes you feel better. Things like jokes, old memories, and even caricatures can make you laugh at each other, the world, and whatever situation is making you feel sad. That’s why humor is so important in a healthy marriage.

Understanding is also important. You must be able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and consider the situation from their point of view. When you do this you are better able to understand how they feel and why even if you don’t necessarily agree with their position. It’s not always easy to think of the other person’s viewpoint when you are so fixated on your own. But, when there are two different viewpoints it is very important for both spouses to consider what their spouse is feeling and thinking. If you make this part of your marriage then you can count on a long happy life together.

Finally, when you love your partner and always put that love first you will be able to maintain a healthy marriage. Of course, sometimes you may not feel so loving or your spouse may not, but if you always consider your wedding vows you will surely be able to work out your differences and enjoy your married life.

It takes a lot of work to stay married and to work out problems. However, when you include humor, understanding, and love in your marriage you can rest assured that most days of your marriage will go well for you.

by Caitlina Fuller

Beer & Bar Jokes (1)

DO RE MI DRINK
by Homer J. Simpson
DO... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY... the guy that sells me beer...
ME... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR... a long way to get beer...
SO... I'll have another beer...
LA... I'll have another beer...
TEA... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) D'OH!

Real Funny Beer Joke
True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing. This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.

Beer Joke About The Devil
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

Corona vs. Budweiser vs. Coors vs. Guinness Joke
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Drunk Guy Beer Humor
A guy stumbles home completely wasted. He spends at least an hour trying to get the key into the lock, with no success. A policeman happens to pass by. "hey whats the trouble mister?" "I cant get the damn key in the lock" says the man. The cop helps him out with the key and starts to go on his way. the drunk shouts "wait wait, I really appreciate it, let me show you my house!!" "No no, I'll just be on my way"says the cop. "no no just a second, I really want to show you!! So the cop finally agrees and they go inside. They enter the living room. "there's my tv, my stereo and all that" says the man. "thats nice" They go through the kitchen. "there's my microwave, the new refrigerator, pretty nice huh?" kids bedroom, "those are my 2 baby boys" "yes, they look cute" finally the mans bedroom "that there's my wife, and thats me next to her."

2 Irishmen

Two old Irishmen were holding up the bar at the local pub, reminiscing and drinking as they were wont to do, when one became quite melancholy and asked his friend, "Sean, when my time comes and I passion, can ye do me a favor?"

His friend replies, "Liam, you've been my friend for nigh on thirty years...just ask and I'll do it for you. What would you like me to do?"

The first one said, "Sean, on me mantelpiece at home is an old, old bottle of fine Irish whiskey. When they bury me, would you be mindin' it if ye poured it over me grave?"

And the second one gravely replies, "Liam, you know I'll be honored to do as you ask, but I'm wonderin', would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?"

A Horse in a Bar

A Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.
Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word. The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another.
The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"

Developing Your Sense Of Humor

Having a good sense of humor is one of the most important characteristic of all happy and successful people. A good sense of humor helps you to solve problems, improve your relationships, and have a positive outlook on virtually every aspect of your life.

Sense of humor is something people talk about but rarely understand in terms of what humor really is. It is often defined as having a different perspective on things. This way of looking at sense of humor is only partly correct. If you defined sense of humor as just having a different perspective, it would be like saying, “If you were just 6 feet tall, you’d understand this” and “If you just had a full head of hair, you’d be more comprehensive.

Changing your perspective means going back through your entire life and looking at all the belief systems and elements that went into making up your perspective. So it’s not a simple process. A sense of humor is a very particular developed sense of perspective that allows you to access joy even in adversity.

I’m not talking about going through life and laughing things off. Nor am I talking about the fact that you ignore a problem or don’t take it seriously. I am talking about first dealing with the problem and then putting a positive spin on it.

The idea is that a sense of perspective when it comes to humor allows you to see yourself in the scope of things rather than always at the center of things. Most of us have a tendency as to believe that any problem we are confronting and facing at particular moment is the most important thing that is going on in the world.

This way of looking at problems is a very heavy responsibility. It makes you feel as if the problem is everywhere and it becomes the focus of your being. This is why a developed sense of humor is so important, because it allows you to see yourself in the scope of things rather than always at the center of things.

When you look at things with a sense of humor perspective, it enables you to have a remarkable capacity to control how you see the things that are going on in your life. You cannot control the external events in your life, but you can control how you look at them.

An important part of a developed sense of humor is the capacity to take yourself lightly, even though you may take your work or your problem very seriously. A sense of joy in being alive is an intimate component of the human will to live. It’s not abstract, but it’s not easy either, you have to work at it.

One of the best ways to develop your sense of humor is to make a list of all things that make you happy, that put a smile on your face, or give you joy. Make of a list of the things you do or once did that you don’t have time for anymore, that nourish and sustain your sense of joy. List the things that enliven you and strengthen your spirit, so that when a problem occurs you’ve got a reason to combat it and have the flexibility to see it though to a successful conclusion.

The root form of humor is umar in Latin. It means to be fluid and flexible like water and that is what humor is about. It’s staying flexible so you don’t get broken by the difficulties you confront. Being flexible enables your creative mind to stay open so that you can still come up with solutions even in painful situations.

Making a list of the things that make you happy sounds simple, but it’s not. I’ve done it with thousands of people over the past ten years and what I’ve found is that most adults over the age of 35 cannot write down more than three things that give that make them happy. They will invariably start off with something such as, “my work, I love my work.”

You should never put work on your list, or anything that causes you or other people harm. Instead you should list things that make you happy and put a smile on your face. For example, you might want to list things like going to a movie, fishing, or kissing your spouse.

Don’t try to complete this list all in one sitting. You should spend at least four to six weeks completing it. I advise my clients to get a small diary or pocket folder and carry it with them. This way you can write down things as they come to mind or as you’re actually enjoying them. After six weeks time you should have over 100 things on you list that make you smile, laugh, or feel better.

This list is going to become a critical component in developing your sense of humor because it will help you deal more effectively with all those small things that are always chewing at you. If you have a big problem, you can handle it, you can see it, and get into it, but it’s all those little things that keep sneaking up behind you and nipping at your neck that having a good sense of humor helps you deal with.

Misery is not subtle. Pain is not subtle. Joy, humor, and laughter are very often subtle. So you have to pay attention to them to start activating them into your life and that’s what this list will help you to do.

Making a list of all the things that you enjoy and put a smile on your face will not only help develop your sense of humor but it also gives you the opportunity to find out more about the people in your life and what makes them happy and this will enable you to help them develop their sense of humor. When you are able to give other people joy and put a smile on their face, especially when they need it most, you will be giving them the greatest gift you can give.

Copyright©2006 by Joe Love and JLM & Associates, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide.